LADIES AND JELLYSPOONS
In the town of No-One-Cares,
The no ones gathered at the fairs.
But the topic of their chats?
No one knows, and that is that.
Then a polka dotted limousine
Painted red with spots of green
Lurched upon that seaside scene
With a goat at the wheel of the lean machine.
The No Ones all heard a screech and a shout,
Out popped a goat, with a curious snout,
“Listen up, folks!” he declared with a grin,
“I’ve come to share wisdom from deep within!”
“I’ve travelled here, I’ve travelled there
I’ve travelled nearly everywhere,
To find the town of No-One-Cares.”
The No Ones said, “You look sincere,
But no one cares, in No-One-Cares,
What are you doing here?”
I’ve come to this hamlet by the beach
Because the towns where no one cares,
Are the ones who love my speech.
Then up to the microphone
Walked the scruffy Old Goat,
A scruffy Old Goat with a scraggly goatee
With a simple message
“Vote for me”
He wore a pink shirt and a speckled bow tie
Said, vote for me, myself and I.
Just don’t ask why.
They craned their necks, as it started to rain
This is what the Goat proclaimed:
Ladies and jellyspoons,
Hobos and tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitoes,
And bow-legged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you something
I know nothing about.
Late Thursday night, early Friday morning
An empty truck full of bricks
Pulled into my front yard
Killing my cat in the backyard.
That same night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don’t believe this lie is true
Go ask the blind man,
He saw it too.
No Ones blinked in pure surprise,
“Such odd tales!” their rising cries.
“Election’s day is drawing near,
Why should we vote for one so queer?
But when election day rolled round
One No One had to fix his boat,
Another went to buy some rope,
One got bored and simply moped
And they all forgot to Vote.
You see, no one cares,
In No-One-Cares
And of all souls in No-One-Cares
Not one went to the polls,
Except, of course, the goateed goat,
Who wore a button — “Vote the Goat.”
He arrived at the polling place early
And cast his one vote for the Goat.
Then he won on the strength of that single vote!
He became the Presidential Goat,
The Presidential Goat with the scraggly goatee
The Presidential Goat named Jeremy
Now President Goat named Jeremy,
Set up his office by the sea.
These profound words, he cared to share
With the residents of No-One-Cares:
Ladies and Geritols,
in my left hand I hold a book called
How Christopher Cucumber sailed up the Missisloppy River.
In my right hand I hold the Declaration of Indigestion
And I will wave a Star Spangled Bannanner.
There will be a mother’s meeting
For father’s only
Tomorrow evening
There is no admission,
So pay at the door.
There are plenty of seats
So sit on the floor.
I thank you for your unkind attention.
The next meeting will be held
At the four corners of the round table.
But the No Ones were dismayed,
Such oddities the Goat displayed!
“Such a speech, what does it mean?”
“Impeach him!” was the keen refrain.
They decided to hold a new election,
To reconsider their selection.
This time they all
Showed up to vote,
And voted out the silly goat!
They pulled the big goat from his chair
Lifted him high into the air
As his career was fast unravelling
He was heard mumbling and babbling:
Twas midnight on the ocean
Not a street car was in sight
A barefoot boy with shoes on
Was standing in the light.
So he went and took a taxicab
And rode all day that night.
As the Old Goat’s ambitions crumbled
He continued with his mumbo jumbo:
It was in the month of Liverpool,
In the city of July,
The snow was raining heavily,
The streets were very dry.
The flowers were sweetly singing,
The birds were in full bloom,
As I went down to the cellar
To sweep an upstairs room.
They called a town meeting the very next day
And though it was freezing
The No Ones all came
The first task before them
Was to change the town name —
For it was no longer the town
Where no one cares.
So they changed the name to
Some-One-Cares.
But here was the irony, you see:
If they care,
About the town
And about the people of the town
And if they even cared enough to vote
They had to care about the Goat!
About the Goat named Jeremy.
They started to worry what his future would be.
They thought — he was not really such a ghoul.
They say there’s a fool in each wise man
And something wise in every fool.
Had the old Goat realized when he came to stay
That he would turn the town around
This way?
And perhaps there is lesson in his nonsense, you see —
That we really shouldn’t take ourselves so seriously.
There’s a place in this world for Jeremy.
They found the goat down in the gutter
His face was pale, yellow as butter,
And not even nonsense
Could he utter.
“Holy smoke,” a someone cried
“I think the old goat’s done gone and croaked!”
Someone covered him with his coat.
Then a Someone said sadly, “see ya,”
And another Someone had an idea.
To save the life of the old windbag,
He took a banjo from his bag
Played a tune from way back whence
Hit the Goat with a dose of his own nonsense:
It rained all night the day I left
The weather it was dry
The sun so hot
I froze to death
Suzannah don’t you cry.
Oh, Suzannah, oh don’t you cry for me…
And slowly, slowly, the Old Goat revived,
Till he looked down at his polka dot bow tie
Said, “I knew I was too young to die!
Oh say can you see?
I’m alive and my name is Jeremy!”
By the shore, he washed his face,
And spouted words all over the place –
Oh, ladies and ladles, and folks with no home,
Fuzzy-faced tramps, wherever you roam,
Mosquitoes with squints, and ants with bowed legs,
Lend me your ears, and I’ll lay some eggs!”
Though he lost his high attainment
He became the Minister of Entertainment.
Now, Some-One-Cares, our town so named,
With pride and love, no longer shamed.
For in the heart of every jest,
Is a truth, a quest, a test.
So here’s my plea, let’s embrace,
The odd, the strange, in every case.
For in them, we might just find,
A tale that warms, and binds mankind.”
And so the Goat, with his lore,
Became a legend, forevermore.
In Some-One-Cares, his tale’s retold,
Of how he turned apathy to gold.
For in his nonsense, there was sense,
A deeper truth, a recompense.
And every child, man, and tree,
Sang praises of Jeremy
The end of a tale, so wild and free,
Of the Goat named Jeremy,
Who with his quirks, and zany spree,
Changed a town, for all to see.
